I can't reach the itch underneath my bra strap

2004-06-28T22:05:00.000-05:00

Please join me at my new and improved lifestyle. www.closetweirdo.com

2002-07-01T01:50:00.000-05:00

I miss my friend p.s.v. Where are you?

2002-07-01T01:38:00.000-05:00

Things I've Learned Today
by Ann O'Maly

1. "The Patriot" is a really depressing movie.
2. I can nap while someone is vacuuming around my head.
3. I miss Salamander.
4. If you drop a large box on your toe, a few days later your toenail will turn dark blue.
5. My parents' cat will bite your hand if you try to pet him when he's sleepy.
6. I enjoy playing mind games with certain people more than I thought I did.
7. My mother is anal retentive.
8. Sweet corn is still as wonderful as I remembered it to be.
9. I've gotten to a point in my life where my old friends, when revisited, are petty and irritating to me.
10. My alarm clock doesn't work.

2002-06-17T14:42:00.000-05:00

I am turning into a senior citizen and I'm only 27.

I'm drawn to the cozy lap of my parents' cooshy couch, enticed by the hypnotic flicker of the television. I watch the History Channel and their episode on the D-Day invasion. I read the paper now and actually get up and eat breakfast on Saturday mornings. We watch Nero Wolfe and old shows with Clark Gable and Jimmy Durante. And, so help me God, I even enjoy them.

Before you know it I'll be complaining about my health - speaking of, I started having terrible back spasms yesterday and then I couldn't hear out of my left ear because it was full of wax. Also, my bunion has been hurting more frequently.

2002-06-11T15:58:00.000-05:00

Oh, and much luck to my good friend p.s.v. while moving to school. Happy Trails. Here's your belatedly blogged haiku.

fold another box
to fill with what but what if
the future is packed

2002-06-11T15:54:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of blogs, to my three followers. I'm busy in Geriatriville. The old people in this building look at me like I'm some punk whippersnapper that's come to steal their precious costume jewelry. But I'm very excited, everyone. I recently found that up here, Sam's Club sells liquor. I was happy enough when I discovered that Sam's Club carries booze at all, but down in Tennessee they only carried beer and Mike's Hard Lemonade (one of the culprits to the demise of my small waistline). But LIQUOR? I'm giddy!

I'm not sure if that stands true in every Sam's Club in Iowa, but who cares, right? Just the ones near me matter. Hallelujia! Bring on the margaritas, mamasita.

2002-06-03T14:38:00.000-05:00

Greetings from Illinoizzzz. Nothing has hit me, yet. I have this weird limbo feeling. I keep wondering why I'm not at work and why I'm at my parents' house. Is this vacation? Must be.

La la la....

2002-05-30T13:28:00.000-05:00

You know when people say, "Do you ever meet someone and really click? Like everything just fits?" People say that all the time. Of course that happens to everyone.

I once had an encounter stronger than that. One that started out with an enlightening conversation, where the buzzing energy enveloping us was overwhelming and it felt like the meeting was orchestrated by some unseen cosmic force. Over time I realized that this person and I didn't share everything in common. She liked to debate and my apathetic side tended to give in easily. She was verbally superior to me and well-read. My most impressive vocabulary word was discombobulated, only because it sounds cool when you say it. But the relationship continued and grew and so did that feeling - that supposed-to-know-this-person feeling. That I'm not used to. Typically, that feeling of a sort of spiritual kinship, for lack of a better term, wears off. The more I learn about someone and the more I learn their hidden motives, their trickery and ugliness, the more jaded and unimpressed with them I become, until, quite frankly, the spiritual connection feeling I was convinced existed before no longer existed. Sad, but it happens.

She's the first person with which that intense feeling of knowing has not only thwarted decay, but actually continues to grow. That's how I know we're not done yet, Salamander. So we shouldn't be sad that I'm leaving. It's just a see you later and not a good bye.

2002-05-30T13:27:00.000-05:00

I hate that feeling you get right before you make a major change in your life. You know, that panicky second thought stage. I'm sitting here thinking what in the hell are you doing? why are you doing this to yourself and your friends? it's easier just to stay

So this blog is a reminder to myself. This is why, Ann:

You miss school. You love education. You need to learn, to go back to school, to study psychology. Not many people find something they're incredibly passionate about, and you did. Take advantage of that. You're moving to Illinois so you can save money, study for the exams you need to and can ace and concentrate on yourself. Not work, not money and not bills. Keep thinking about your passion. You can't stay here and go to school. Now is the time. The people you are leaving behind will be okay. You know you will end up with the ones you want to keep with you.

2002-05-29T14:10:00.000-05:00

Last night the reality of moving sunk in. I call it the "Bare Wall Syndrome" and anyone that has moved has experienced it. There I was, 11:30 p.m., eating a sandwich in my living room, nonchalantly dropping random decorations into a box. I even got a bit ambitious and took a few wall hangings down. I wandered into the bedroom for something, returned to the living room and it hit me. The blank spaces on the walls were like large white scars. Panic began to set in.

Put them back up put them back right now the frightened 5-year-old in me shrieked. The frightened 27-year-old in me took a deep breath and briefly closed her eyes.

2002-05-28T11:55:00.000-05:00

Bizarre News

ITALY - It is against the law in Italy to purposely cut prices with the intention of forcing another company out of business. Prostitution is no exception. When Monica Isa, 24, reduced her rate from $32 to $4, police arrested her for trying to eliminate business for other prostitutes. The
hooker remains in custody and has been officially charged with fraudulently lowering prices in a public trade market and unfair competition.

VANCOUVER, Washington - With all the new technology available today it's not that tough to make rip-off copies of things. A really good graphics-capable computer can crank out fairly good currency. And there are ways of producing credit cards. But even the best machinery can't correct spelling errors. And an error in spelling is what tripped up a man who tried to make fake credit cards. According to news reports in Vancouver, Wash., the man was sentenced to prison on nearly two-dozen counts of identify theft. What tipped off merchants and the police
is that in making fake Platinum Mastercards, he spelled the word "Plotinum."

AUSTIN, Texas - There's nothing like the honeymoon period for newlyweds in love. Only this groom didn't remember anything, including his new wife or the marriage ceremony.Sean McNulty, 30, and his wife were all set to begin their honeymoon and went to the Houston airport. He left his wife at the airport terminal to get his wallet from the car, but he never came back. Three days later, McNulty was found at a hotel near the airport and unfortunately could not remember anything. Police showed him pictures from the wedding, but he didn't recognize his wife. They then deduced that he made it to the airport parking lot, but after receiving a blow to the head, he suffered a case of amnesia. McNulty was taken to the hospital, but police still don't know what caused the injury. His frantic wife is now trying to jog his memory, hoping he'll remember something of their wedding and family.

Thanks to Bizarre News.

2002-05-28T09:01:00.000-05:00

On the drive to work, traffic was slowing for the red light up ahead and I noticed a man on the sidewalk walking towards me. He was holding his crotch. Not just grabbing it to adjust, but holding his crotch as he walked. Glancing up at his face in amusement, I was startled that he was looking at me. His expression was apologetic, almost pathetically so. He mouthed "I'm sorry" and released the hold on his package. The light turned green.

Today is going to be a strange one.

2002-05-24T10:34:00.000-05:00

Me pirate name be Mad Mary Kidd. Arrgh!

2002-05-23T13:43:00.000-05:00

I Am

I am high-spirited and athletic
I wonder when the world will end
I hear people talking around me
I see people helping others
I want world peace
I am high-spirited and athletic

I pretend i have a million dollars
I feel the wind against my face
I touch the future ahead of me
I worry that someone will get hurt soon
I cry that I will die one day
I am high-spirited and athletic

I understand that the world will soon come to an end
I say Christ is real
I dream that i will change the world one day
I try to make the world a better place
I hope the war will end
I am high-spirited and athletic

-Alli Dillard, age 9

2002-05-23T12:18:00.000-05:00

It's painful for me to see my friends in pain.

It's painful for me to watch myself fumble around like a dumbass trying to come up with something inspirational to say.

I'm sorry, Miss Salamander.

2002-05-21T14:31:00.000-05:00

I saw a red jelly bean on the sidewalk today. It hadn't been smashed yet.

Run, jellybean, run.

2002-05-20T11:19:00.000-05:00

the awakening

it lies in wait, tense
tendons steeling, oscillating in vivid preparedness
its keen senses alert to the smallest of abrasions
heightened by the most miniscule drop of blood
the salt of a brimming tear
the briefest waft of fear
it salivates its acrid foam
it bites its tongue
to taste the copperness of the tender pulp
sending lustful pulses down its length
muscles poised in anticipation, quivering
it pulls fiercely against its fickle harness
woven from aged adoration, trite affections
tired words interwoven with filaments of fleeting ego

it bounds forward
then again
methodically testing the fragility of its restraint

2002-05-14T12:20:00.000-05:00

Ann O'Maly's List of Men I Daydream About When I'm Bored

Anthony Kiedes

Ben Stein. Yes, I said Ben Stein.

Ed Harris

Young Paul Newman

John Cusack

Johnny Depp

Young Elvis

Lenny Kravitz

The Dempseys

George Clooney

Taye Diggs

2002-05-09T15:04:00.000-05:00

Congratulations to Luke Helder, the 21-year-old pipe bomber, for making my list of people we should put to sleep.

Okay, all the bleeding hearts can, and will, argue with me. Fine. But which is more humane? Putting the boy down, or letting him endure years and years of rectal abuse courtesy of the greasy inmates he'll soon become intimately aquainted with during his prison sentence. I'm sure Jake "The Meat" Jones and Billy Bob Malone a.k.a. "Big Gun" will both find Luke's cute, young ass and his adorable shit-eating grin irresistable. We'd be doing the poor kid a favor.

A few other good candidates for euthanasia : Mike Tyson, Jerry Falwell, Tommy Lee and Tonya Harding.

2002-05-08T15:43:00.000-05:00

Ann O'Maly's List of Neato Words and Phrases

shrapnel

chivalry

lickety split

posh

slices

Boba Fett

pay the piper

requiem

biscotti

tush

grass roots

acerbic

mashmallow peep

2002-05-02T16:59:00.000-05:00

Stinky sex flower news.

2002-05-02T15:11:00.000-05:00

Our tax dollars hard at work. No pun intended.

It's in Memphis, too!

2002-05-01T13:20:00.000-05:00

Come one, come all!

I think it's wonderful that the world is becoming more open-minded in their attitudes towards sex. Maybe America will grow up some day.

2002-04-30T15:42:00.000-05:00

From p.s.v., a writer friend of mine.

04-30-02

the speck

when you lick your lips
and run across a crumb
that almost before you realize it
you have sucked in and tasted
are you pleased?
does the sudden shock of flavor
thrill you or is it sickening
to discover that food
however small has been
forgotten on your face
the same face that others
have to look at
that may have had a visible
dot of nourishment
left on one corner
that could just as easily
have been a tiny pimple
or the new head of a white hair
just poking up from your skin
but no it is a bit of confectioner's sugar
a crumb of bagel
a grain of sugar
or is it like most things
this left over
your reaction dependent
on what
exactly
it was
on whether or not you are glad
to have found it
a minuscule treat
or is it instead maybe even
frightening
that you don't recognize it
and here you have tasted and swallowed
it before you could even identify it
place it among the things in your house
from your plate and even in desperation
when you think back to your lover's lips
and what she has eaten your still do not know
it is too late now the speck is gone
and your resolve to keep your tongue
in your mouth
to wash your face
to keep better track of everything

2002-04-30T11:55:00.000-05:00

Welcome back Squirel! Hurry up and get here!

Last night I hung out with my ex-fiance and watched a Playboy DVD. They were airbrushing intricately detailed costumes on the Playmates' naked bodies. Hmm...what a tough job that must be.

I hate to run the risk of sounding catty but what the hell. I was amazed at how bad the girls looked without make-up. Granted, they probably weren't in ideal lighting for video, but wow. One thing I learned was fake boobs can look really fake and can leave god awful stretch marks. I could easily make out the ribs on one Playmate and it made me sad.

Someone's not feeding their Playmate.

Maybe I should report them.

2002-04-29T16:18:00.000-05:00

Wow I have crappy timing.

A good friend lives directly across the street from my most recent ex. She and I had just finished a morning stroll yesterday and I headed off to my car. Just then, the ex escorted his honey from the night before to her car. Talk about awkward.

I must admit I was angry. Angry enough to march home and do something completely out of character - tackle my pile of dirty dishes. Was I angry? I felt like crying...a sure indication with me that I am at least frustrated. So I had a talk...

Where did it come from? Jealousy?
Yes.
Of what? You don't want to date him, we know that. Why the jealousy, Ann? You have to start being a big girl and figuring this shit out. It's not good to let this eat you up.
I'm jealous of...
Go on.
...him having sex (probably) and that I'm not.
Okay.
And I'm angry that he lied to me.
How did he lie?
When we broke up, he said that he didn't want a relationship right now.
So?
So that's a lie if he's with someone.
1) If he did lie, so what?
2) If he's with someone right now it might not be a relationship
3) If he's with someone right now in a relationship, "right now" is not the same right now it was then. It's been awhile, hasn't it?
What do you mean, so what if he lied?
So what if he did?
It's mean! It hurts!
Ann, you have no control over other people. We've already established this. The only person you have control over is yourself. You can choose how you want to handle liars. You can let it ruin your life or let it ruin your minute and be done with it or let it ruin nothing at all.
But it's mean! It's wrong!
It's mean to you. Nothing's wrong, you know that. It happened. You can't undo it.
Well, it makes me not want to trust people.
So don't. Or do. Learn from this. Next time keep in mind when you're going through the finality of a break up, that people say things and change their minds. Allow yourself to hurt, which you did, and get a move on. Oh, and as far as the jealousy over getting a piece, woman please. You know you'd have just as much, if not more luck finding a suitable partner to get busy with. You're just opting against it, and that's okay too. But stop feeling sorry for yourself when something is your doing or not-doing. It doesn't make sense. Don't feel like I'm slamming on you, you already know all this, I'm just here to remind you. You know I love you.
Yeah, I know. Thank you so much. I needed that. I feel better.
Are you sure?
As sure as I always am. Ha ha.
Thank yourself, dearie, you're the one who came up with this stuff. Keep up the good work. You're coming along nicely.
You're pretty cool yourself, god.

2002-04-26T12:02:00.000-05:00

I walked to a nearby park last night and sat on a bench to read a book. I was approached by two young men, probably in their early twenties. They looked relatively harmless, since both looked the part of the stereotypical "stoner" - you know, skinny with dirty, nappy dreadlocks falling in their eyes, smelling, wrinkly clothes hanging off them. Since it was daylight and there were plenty of people around, I remained planted on my bench.

Dude #1: "Hey, dude, we hate to interrupt you, but man...."
Me: "Nah, that's all right. What's up guys?"
Dude #2: "Aw man, dude..."
The dudes take a seat on either side of me. I quickly conclude that they are on something. Dude #1 looked like he'd teeter if I blew on him and Dude #2 literally fell down onto the bench. Their eyes were glass and their speech was slurred and incredibly slow.
Dude #1: "Dude, here's the thing. We have five dollars...do you have any weed?"
Me: "Nope. Sorry."
Dude #1: "Aw, for real? Man, we can't find anyone here that has anything."
Dude #2: "We ate 5 bars of Xanax and now we want some pot. (chuckles) We keep forgetting who we've asked and who we haven't."
Me:"Oh."
Dude #1 to #2: "Dude, we need to hook up with that black dude back over there."
They started a discussion over my head about whether or not the guy was shady, since the guy asked whether or not they had tinted windows in their car and they had to go to someone's house to pick up the goods.
Dude #1: "Man, I've been in that situation before, dude. They take your money, walk into the house, and walk right out the back door."
Dude #2: "If dude starts some shit up, man, I have a bat in the back of the car, man. We'll fuck his shit up."
Dude #1: "Yeah, man."
Me: "Um. Hey guys, I don't know you but it doesn't sound like a good idea to eat that much Xanax and expect to defend yourself against a drug dealer. That's just me."
Dude #1: "Oh, dude, it's cool. I heed your warning, though, man."

Me: "Sure. No problem."

The dudes launch into an explanation of how they've approached pretty much everyone in the park.
Dude #2: "This girl was loading a bowl but when we approached her she stopped because of the pig thing. Fuckin' pigs. Like I look like a pig. How many cops have two-year-old dreads?"
He grins, exposing big yellow teeth with brown edges.
Me: "True."
Dude #1 takes out his five dollar bill. "Man, you don't have even the smallest bud?" He stares at his bill. "Man, I just want to SMOKE this!"
I can't help but laugh.
Me: "No, I swear I don't have anything."
Dude #1: "You don't even smoke cigarettes, do you?"
Me: "Uh, no. What makes you say that?"
Dude #1: "Because, dude, people who don't smoke have like really nice skin."
Me: "Oh."
Dude #1: "So you don't have anything?"
Me: "No."
Dude #1 (disappointed sigh): "Well, we'll leave you alone now. Thanks anyway, man."
Me: "You two be careful. Good luck."

Dude #1 & #2: professional druggies in search of work or academy-award caliber undercover cops?

2002-04-24T10:53:00.000-05:00

Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.
- Karl Marx

2002-04-23T15:09:00.000-05:00

From a website somewhere...

The Rev. Jerry Falwell slammed Tinky Winky, from the television show, "Teletubbies", because, "The character, whose voice is obviously that of a boy, has been found carrying a red purse in many episodes and has become a favorite character among gay groups worldwide. Now, further evidence that the creators of the series intend for Tinky Winky to be a gay role model have surfaced. He is purple -- the gay-pride color; and his antenna is shaped like a triangle -- the gay-pride symbol."

But Falwell's work is far from over. Following are some other targets he is preparing to go after.

Fred Flintstone
Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team; "Twinkle-Toes Flintstones." The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!" He wears an orange vest with little triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.

Bugs Bunny
Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belts out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy Daffy, who, it is worth noting, has a lisp.

Velma (of Scooby Doo)
Evidence: Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine. Sports that butch haircut. Has broad shoulders and wears thick turtleneck sweaters and knee socks. Never once shagged Shaggy.

Popeye
Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years. Does little sailor dances. Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy.

Batman and Robin
Evidence: Robin's nickname - Boy Wonder. Batman's real name is Bruce. Both wear tights. They're in great shape. They like to show each other their "grappling hooks."

Peppermint Patty
Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes. Nickname: Sir.

The Pink Panther
Enough said.

2002-04-22T10:57:00.000-05:00

I traveled to St. Louis this weekend and ate at the California Pizza Kitchen. I highly recommend it, especially the carmelized pear and gorgonzola pizza.

Afterward, I took in the beautiful male scenery around SL, padding the streets with the loose-limbed prowl of a hungry lioness. I've become completely enchanted with tongues, lips, fingers, napes...forearms, hands. All of my senses seem to have been heightened by this insatiable appetite. It's as if this need has become primary - much more than a recreational activity, as dire as food or shelter, a matter of life or death!

I embrace this feeling of primal urge. It's a welcomed break from my usual overly self-controlled Ann. I just hope I can maintain some sort of normalcy between fantasies, and curb the fervor between my thighs by finding a brave, willing individual.

Thanks to Salamander for the warm tingle brought on by her blogs/links. Torment never felt so good.

2002-04-19T12:46:00.000-05:00

I'm entirely too horny to be at work today.

2002-04-18T11:28:00.000-05:00

To drill or not to drill?

ref·uge n.
Protection or shelter, as from danger or hardship.
1. A place providing protection or shelter.
2. A source of help, relief, or comfort in times of trouble.

2002-04-17T12:19:00.000-05:00

Killer Clearasil

2002-04-16T13:49:00.000-05:00

Congress banned virtual child pornography and the Supreme Court ruled against it today. My knee jerk reaction was fear based rage directed at the ruling. Then I began to see both sides.

Congress is right: "while no real children were harmed in creating the material, real children could be harmed by feeding the prurient appetites of pedophiles or child molesters."

The Supreme Court is right: "the First Amendment protects pornography or other sexual images that only appear to depict real children engaged in sex."

These are the most difficult decisions for me - the ones that involve degrees of 'rightness' or 'wrongness', for lack of better terms. Which politician to vote for: Idiot #1 or Idiot #2? The one who wants to destroy the planet or the one who has strong ties to a drug cartel?

Who's righter? Congress or the Court?

Ah, I'm going to go eat a snow cone.

2002-04-15T14:26:00.000-05:00

Today is Elizabeth Montgomery's birthday. For those of you, back in the day, weren't completely obsessed with cute women who had magical powers, she is the actress that played Samantha on the series Bewitched. I would have these fierce debates with my sisters about who would win in a battle, Samantha or Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie. It was obvious to me that Samantha would win because Jeannie was powerless if she was in her bottle. All Samantha would have to do is wiggle her nose and suck Jeannie into her bottle. Plus, it seemed that Samantha was overall more 'with it' than Jeannie was. Although both characters continually got themselves into trouble (hence, the comedy series), Jeannie was generally more naive than Samantha.

Ever notice that Jeannie's costume changed with the times? Early on, her bellybutton was covered up. Later on, her genie pants hung down lower to show off her bellybutton.

Anyway, happy birthday Ms. Montgomery!

2002-04-12T13:18:00.000-05:00

Ann O'Maly's List of Hot Women (in no particular order)

Cameron Diaz - good god, ya'll...

Laetitia Costa - me likey curvy curvy.

Michelle Yeoh - classic beauty and intelligence to boot.

Daniela Pestova - slays me with those eyes and accent.

Ani Difranco - beautiful inside and out.

Selma Hayek - perfect hourglass figure. And that mouth...

Lara Croft - the original. Hey, I never said they were all real women!

Miss Bettie Page - sex appeal that has never been matched.

Tori Amos - all this and talent, too.

Drew Barrymore - my favorite wiggly giggly girl. I envy her uninhibited behavior.

The owner of these legs - just all out, hands down, full blown sexy. Trust me.

2002-04-11T13:35:00.000-05:00

Ann to p.s.v.:

I think it's cool when tadpoles get those nubby pre-legs. They swim around like little amputees. I wonder if the nubs surprise them. Like they wake up one day and think, "What the fuck is this about?" I wonder if they have always felt like they needed legs, so they feel legless all the time, and when they have nubs they feel partially satisfied, but not completely. Or if they never feel like they should have legs and so when they start nubbing out, it's so weird that they have no control over the nubs and they just move on their own accord and they just master the leg-having thing by the time the legs are fully developed.

p.s.v. to Ann:

***

your thoughts about tadpoles reminded me of how I feel about girls and
breasts
I mean, there you are, just going along, minding your own business, and
poof!
breasts
it has always seemed to me to be very confusing and a big hassle
and being, like all men, obsessed, I have talked to my female friends
about this
as usual, every woman is different and blah blah blah
I wish people were more uniform, so that I could write some kind of
definitive guide
what's funny is that people are so unique but there are still tons of
guides out there

ah well, not that I think women are like tadpoles, oh no, not me
not that I have a thing for nubs
nope not me
or frogs
or things that pee on me when I pick them up,
nope not me

nope

***

2002-04-10T10:42:00.000-05:00

I just read this story - I don't know if it's true, but it certainly is funny.

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ''F*ck you'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F*ck you" and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said.....''Thanks, I'm out of here.''

He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.

His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.... Ya gotta love this guy.

2002-04-09T15:42:00.000-05:00

This is one of my favorite websites. Where else can you learn how to make your own beer, groom a horse, or cope with diarrhea?

If I'm feeling creative tonight, I think I'll try to make some candles.

2002-04-08T10:57:00.000-05:00

Nakedness is cool.

2002-04-05T10:38:00.000-06:00

A few days ago, I had a conversation with this girl I work with regarding bubble gum. It began as a discussion about which is better: chewing gum or bubble gum. I chose chewing gum overall, but lately, I explained, I've been craving original flavored Bubble Yum. She notified me that I am too old to be chewing bubble gum.

I'll tell you what, guys - whew, I'm glad she warned me about that! I shudder to think of how close I was to executing the ultimate faux pas. I'm so grateful to those of you out there who selflessly offer your valuable expertise to save us inelegant dregs of society from making bigger fools of ourselves than I'm sure we do already. What a terrible embarassment we must be to you. Thank you for your patience with us. Thank you! Where would we be without you?

2002-04-03T17:04:00.000-06:00

If you're in the mood to read about vacuous Fundamental Christian leaders, click here. Otherwise, check out the site it came from.

My eyes are tired from reading.

2002-04-03T12:02:00.000-06:00

When I was about 10 or 11-years-old my parents used to take me and my sister to this dumpy lake in the country to swim. I don't remember what it was called, but I remember the water being so murky that I was afraid of getting caught on underwater trees and drowning. Well, that never happened, but my sister did get harassed by a mutant horsefly. This thing was enormous. At first glance, it would be mistaken for a hummingbird, and apparently, it had a taste for blood. Specifically, my sister's. She ran frantically in circles, then in a straight line, then into the water. Nothing would stop this horsefly. It kept biting her on her thighs and she was crying and flailing her arms. Of course, being her sister, it was my duty to laugh at her. I did swat once in the beast's direction, but then ran away in fright.

My sister got me back during our next outing to the swamp-lake. It happened when we were lounging in the water. Back then, our butts were small enough to fit into the hole in the small colorful blow-up rings, so there we floated in the black water, heads tilted back, enjoying the sun. Suddenly, I felt a quick, firm grab at my butt and I screamed. When I realized that a fish had bitten my ass, I screamed again and jumped out of the ring and into the water. Again, I felt another bite on my left thigh. I shrieked. "A fish! A fish!" My sister was doubled over in hysterics as I ran heavily toward the shore.

Ah, sisterly love.

2002-04-01T09:59:00.000-06:00

I open my Yahoo mailbox this morning to find 3 messages from Cal, this guy who got my name from Penpalnet.com who has written me only once before.

E-Mail #1

A Tiger's Tale - a short story

The day I rented an apartment next door to Ann my luck
changed for the better. She didn't even know me but I looked up
her name on the mailbox. I watched her from a distance with lust
in my heart. She was a gorgeous Latina. One day she was out
in her back yard sunning herself in a skimpy white bikini that really
showed off her voluptuous body. Unable to control my impulses
any longer I sneaked into her place that night through the backdoor
of the porch. It was so hot she had to open the windows so the
cool night air could flow through the inside.
I found Ann in her bed asleep under a sheet. Her pure face
was serene with pleasant dreams. As I watched her I pulled out my.......

You can see where this is going. I won't bore you with the rest.

E-Mail #2

Crime and Punishment

I am a forty year old man and a recovering sex addict.
Last month I had a relapse.
I confess I was writing to a girl who was only half my age
on the internet. Like myself she seemed sexually open.
With dark hair and a full figure she was very attractive to me.
As our conversations heated up on sudden impulse I had to
see her in person.
Ann was wearing a red mini-skirt the first time I saw her.
I came a long way to visit her. We shared a drink and then
in cool fashion she dismissed me.
"Thanks for stopping by," she said. "Time to go."
"Just like that?" I felt flushed.
"You can't stay here," Ann replied. "I have a husband.
You understand."
I tried to conceal my disappointment. She led me by the hand
to the door and gave me a peck on the cheek.....

Blah blah blah. Again, I won't bore you. Then I get this e-mail-

Hello Ann,

I apologize for the erotic stories I sent.

I did write them but I didn't mean to send them to you.
I was trying to figure out changing the format from my
word processing to internet software and sent them
to you by mistake. I have a new computer and
I'm still trying to figure out how to run it.

I am terribly sorry. I am totally embarassed.

I'll understand if you didn't want to write back I just wanted
to apologize.

Take care,
Cal

Needless to say, Cal is my new ex-penpal.

2002-03-28T13:25:00.000-06:00

Things that make me incredibly happy:

warm towels, cartoons, pineapple smoothies, french kissing, the smell of suntan lotion, Bob Marley, the number 5, long sleeves that are extra long, dragonflies, new car smell, avocado, sharpening pencils, sex, Italian accents, windchimes, roadtrips, curly hair, feathers, Dolly Parton, Bejeweled, dirty jokes, Wheat Thins, laugh attacks, yoga, Cool Whip, the word "tongue", swimming pools, genuine hugs, getting my hair shampooed, vintage Mustangs, penises, sea monkeys, family albums, leather, tulips, Eddie Murphy's laugh, racquetball, dancing and sitting on people's laps. And bubblegum. Oh, and skirts with slits. And chocolate covered strawberries.

That's all. No wait - and cheap sunglasses.

2002-03-27T10:22:00.000-06:00

Read this article. The writer actually uses the word "snotty" to describe the water off the coast of Florida.

2002-03-22T13:17:00.000-06:00

So I'm starting up my car yesterday after enduring four hours of muscle spasms in my lower back and finding out that I'm overdrafted $300 in my checking account, and I'm approached by a young, tall black man who stops in front of my car window. Being far from an altruistic state of mind, I shook my head at the man. He lifted his fist to knock on my window and I caved. I cracked the window about one inch and impatiently grunted, "Yes?!?"
"Muh.. I dun men no hahm mam, but (insert indecipherable mumble) sebenty five cent (more indecipherable mumble)...."
I start rummaging through the change in my car, shaking my head. "I have pennies....?"
"Uh...but (mumble) sebenty five cent...."
"I have a nickel and a ton of pennies, that's all I have to give you." My back throbbed in agreement.
The guy peers into my car and mumbles, "I see sumfin shiny right over in therah..."
That's when I lost it. Now, anyone that knows me knows that I try my hardest to give people the benefit of the doubt, turn the other cheek, love thy neighbor, all that wholesome loving stuff. That's truly how I want to live. Apparently, though, I either have an alter ego I never knew about, or I was briefly possessed by the spirit of a ghetto queen.

I instantly snapped, "Man, get the fuck out my face!!!!"

After speeding off down the street, I started giggling, realizing what I'd just done. It was so unlike me, yet it was me. I started wondering if I'd watched too much Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy while growing up. It felt like I'd taken completely leave of my senses. I laughed and laughed and then I cried.

2002-03-20T11:32:00.000-06:00

The GRE is rotting my brain. Salamander was kind enough to refresh my memory in algebra, but the word problems are going to be the death of me. My brain simply doesn't work that way. No, I shouldn't say that. I CAN do it, I just need to learn HOW to do it. After that, my brain will be warmed up and ready to go, right?

One thing I've been noticing lately is my poor vocabulary. What's even more disturbing to me is that my current crappy vocabulary is actually an improvement over my past crappy vocabulary. Some examples:

Past: "He seems to be a good speaker."
Current: "He seems to be very articulate."

Past: "I smacked my knee into the desk and man, I was pissed as hell."
Current: "I smacked my knee into the desk and I was absolutely livid."

Past: "That dude's such a douchebag."
Current: "That guy is such a fuckhead."

So at least there's a slight improvement.

2002-03-18T12:02:00.000-06:00

I'm also afraid of tomatoes.

2002-03-15T14:21:00.000-06:00

I'm deathly afraid of tornadoes.

I'm not a moron. I know that it's normal to fear tornadoes. However, if you've ever been around me when the air gets thick, the sky turns that greenish blackish color, and clouds start to swirl, you'll know that it borderlines on a phobia.

One of the things I remember from psychology class was that a phobia, technically speaking, is focused on something that is non-threatening, like a feather. Since tornadoes are threatening, I doubt I'd be diagnosed as having a phobia. But, it's definitely an abnormal, irrational fear.

For instance, someone here at work mentioned there will be heavy storms tonight with the possibility of tornadoes. Instantly, my heart rate increased and adrenaline shot through me. It kind of feels like the immediate reaction we all had when the second plane hit on September 11th. It's a panic response. I've been working on methods to calm myself down during the past few years. My reactions end up being pretty embarassing sometimes, especially if there has been a tornado warning issued in a neighboring county. My panic usually sends me to the nearest basement where I sit, alone, dancing from foot to foot, waiting, convinced that the chaos is about to begin and I will return upstairs to nothing but rubble. To those around me, I seem like an oversensitive scaredy-cat, but it is a perfectly logical reaction from my perspective. To me, people's aloof attitude toward tornadoes will probably get them hurt.

And in case you're wondering, no, my home has never been hit by a tornado. I've never even seen one, except on t.v. I've read about them extensively as a child - know your enemy, I guess - and I remember reading a Reader's Digest story about one that hit Oklahoma back in the 1980's. One phrase that I remember, after all these years (I was about 12) is how the author described the tornado as "The finger of God".

Perhaps that has something to do with my overwhelming fear?

You'll find me glued to the radar screen tonight.

2002-03-13T08:34:00.000-06:00

I stopped at a ghetto gas station down the street from work this morning. While standing in line, I noticed a small, shy black boy standing behind me. There were some Cadbury eggs on display at the counter and I asked if he eats them. He nodded and I asked if he'd like one. He nodded.

After I purchased my juice and Cadbury egg, I turned around to him and, holding it out said, "Okay, now give me a big smile."
He looked up at me and gave me a hesitant toothless grin. The smile didn't find his eyes.
"C'mon, now. Give me a big 'ol smile with teeth."
Again, the forced grin and the eyes.
I looked at him squarely and, putting my hand on his shoulder, said, "Aw, that's all right, bud. You have a good day." While I walked out, a skinny black lady shouted, "Do you have any change?!?"

I kept walking.

2002-03-12T10:30:00.000-06:00

Last Friday, while driving to work, I saw a Memphisism. They have begun digging for a new, spacious (very important) sports arena in the downtown area. While passing the site, I noticed a man sound asleep inside the cab of a backhoe. As far as I could tell, he was a construction worker and not a homeless person.

This morning I was treated to two Memphisisms. A city bus was pulled over on a semi-busy street with its hazards on. The bus driver was standing on the curb calmly smoking a cig. I counted at least two passengers on the bus.

Then, not thirty seconds later, I stopped at a red light at an intersection. Three construction workers with neon vests and hardhats were pointing at a 3' x 3' slab of broken concrete about 8 feet away from my car. Then, one of the workers tries to step over part of the grid. He staggers, sways, and trips over his feet a bit, barely catches himself, and comes to a standstill near the grid, pointing at the rocks. He is noticeably swaying and noodle-legged. While he talks loudly to the others, his head does that bobbing, snapping thing only drunk people do when trying to emphasize what they're saying. Okay, I'll be fair: drunk or mental. Either way, I thought it a good thing for the man to be wearing a hard hat today.

2002-03-11T15:56:00.000-06:00

Oh. I forgot. I broke up with boyfriend yesterday. Well, we both broke up. It was a good breakup. I'm still sad, though.

Hm. I go from a breakthrough to a breakup.
Now I look for grad schools. I've requested information from about ten today from various areas of the country.
I think I should start my own so I will not have to worry about getting in.

O'Maly University
Where free thought and cocktails are encouraged

Now accepting applications

2002-03-11T15:46:00.000-06:00

Look! Feathers!

2002-03-08T12:53:00.000-06:00

Last night I had some sort of breakthrough with my boyfriend. Or so it seemed at first.

He has been going through some mental episode thing the past two days. We talked a little about it last night and he confided in me that "I just feel like my life is meaningless. I just want to drop out of all the society bullshit and go live by myself on an island."

Frankly, I was shocked. I'm was thinking, okay, now we're getting somewhere. He's not a doofus, after all.

So I start telling him how I felt. "Wow, I just have to say that I'm relieved. I'm glad you have the mental capacity to acknowledge that we're all slaves in a society that generally sucks and stifles free-thinking. You finally woke up from the Matrix. That's great! I really think-"
"-so about that dream I had last night..."
A jolt of electrical rage passed through me.
"WELL I GUESS I'M FINISHED TALKING!"
He became noticeably irritated. "Look, I'm sorry I interrupted you, but I didn't want to talk about what I'm going through anymore."
Apparently, after two margaritas topped off with a shot of adrenaline, I'd had it with his crap.
"You don't have to interrupt me. God, I'm sick of it! It's so fucking RUDE!"

I haven't talked to him since. I stormed off, watched some cable and fell asleep in his chair. He left for work this morning and told me good bye. I dismissed him with a sleepy wave of my hand.

Tonight could very well be the night.

2002-03-07T11:49:00.000-06:00

I just got a hang up call.

I read one time that when that happens, sometimes it's a person who has died trying to get your attention. According to this book, We Don't Die, people who have passed on are able to manipulate electronic things. Sometimes they do this to communicate with us. George Anderson, the psychic medium who is the focus of the book, claims that they can also manipulate animals, especially smaller animals such as birds and reptiles.

Why they'd want to do this, if, in fact, they can, is beyond me.

Anyway, now you have something to work with when you answer the door to a tapdancing gecko with a robin on it's head singing you a telegram from your dead aunt Beatrice.

2002-03-06T15:48:00.000-06:00

I'm trying to figure out if every decent sized city has an enormous amount of beggars, or if the problem is unique to Memphis. New York wasn't even this bad. The probability of getting hit up for money while walking into an Exxon in Memphis has to be up around 99%. And, even though I know that the odds of my spare change circulating between local crackhouses are just as high (no pun intended), I give them my change anyway.

An anecdote:

In December, I walked out to my car after running an errand on a busy street to find that I had a flat tire. I called a friend of mine to help me change it. We were hard at work and it started to sprinkle. A few minutes later, this lady in an army jacket came up to us while we were bending over on the side of the busy street. She said, "I'm sorry. I know you guys are busy changing a tire. But it's starting to rain..."

I looked at my friend. We were mildly distracted by the thought of getting hit by a crazy Memphis driver and the approaching rainstorm, but we listened anyway.

"...and I don't have enough money to stay at the women's shelter, do you have a few dollars you could give me?"

Hm. Here's an idea. How 'bout YOU change my tire and I'll give you three dollars.

or

You HELP me change my tire and I'll give you three dollars.

don't like that one either?

You tell me the REAL reason you need the money and I'll give you three dollars. We'll call it "The Ann O'Maly Honesty Award".

Probably the last thing you should do is beg for money when a girl is kneeling on the ground, grunting at a tireiron while cars whiz past her head and grime is caking on her hands.

But maybe that's just me.

2002-03-05T14:08:00.000-06:00

So I didn't do a dang thing last night. It was wonderful. I came home from work, ate some undercooked Rice a Roni and watched The Nutty Professor (Eddie Murphy). Every once in a while, I'd do a load of laundry (very unlike me). After that, I took a bath, shaved my legs, put on my new pair of Playboy Bunny ears, and read a few short stories.

One from E.A. Poe called Berenice.

I fell asleep at 9:30.

I got an e-mail from an old friend today. It made my day. I haven't talked to him in a long time because I seem to become a crappy friend when I start dating someone. It's difficult for me to do two things at once when it comes to people. Salamander knows that first hand. I feel bad about it, especially when the person I'm dating turns out to be a big schmuck.

I'm 26 and still behave like a 12-year-old. But I guess we all do on occasion. Live and learn.

2002-03-01T11:14:00.000-06:00

My boyfriend interrupts me.

Last night we were at the gas station waiting for our sandwich order and I was telling a story about something that happened at work.
"he's been trying to get a hold of her to find out what other messes she left, so he called me in and asked if I had-"
"I'm going to go pay for this."
I just stared blankly at his back as he headed for the cashier.
So then I had to be a smartass.
"I GUESS THAT WRAPS UP MY STORY"
A few people in the store looked over at me.
He walked back a few minutes later.
"What did you say when I was over there?"
"I just remarked that my story must be over, since you left. You just completely left mid-story." I stated.
"You're stories never end."

I was ticked.

"Well I'm not talking now, am I?"
He tried to laugh it off.
So for the next hour I concentrated on being noticeably quiet as I ate my Chicken Cordon Blue. And believe me, it was quiet. Damn quiet.
"What's wrong?" he asked me a few times.
"Nothing. I'm just trying not to talk so much."
"Oh, God." and he sighed and moaned and rolled his eyes. "You're pissed about that?"
"I'm not mad. I gotta go meet Tara. I'll talk to you later."

"I'm sorry I made you mad."

"Like I said, I'm not mad." Which is true. I'm really not mad, folks.

Just tired.

2002-02-27T12:38:00.000-06:00

I bought some vintage clothes today. They look exactly like what I always wear. They're solid colored, collared shirts. But hey, now I'm trendy!

Drivers in this town are going to turn me into a gun-slinging homicidal maniac. One day, someone in front of me is going to sit through an entire green light until it turns red and I'm going to snap. I don't think I should be held responsible when the inevitable happens. It's kind of like a burglar being shot during a break-in and suing the owner for damages.

2002-02-26T13:40:00.000-06:00

So Friday I saw a neat play with Salamander.
I took an acting class once in college. I have always been intrigued with the psychology of acting. After a few classes, I determined that my Prozac prevented me from crying on demand. However, when I wasn't on Prozac, I couldn't keep myself from crying. Ah, the wonders of psychotropic medication.

Prozac? Xanax? Ben & Jerry's: my ultimate drug of choice.

2002-02-21T11:56:00.000-06:00

I just wrote a long entry about the anxiety attacks I've been having lately and a conversation with my boyfriend about them but the site messed up and erased it all. I can't remember what exactly I said, because I took 1/2 a Xanax and am slowly melting into a puddle beneath my chair.

I'll explain it later, but my boyfriend appears to have broken the camel's back with another one of his immature remarks. Ah, well. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

2002-02-20T11:46:00.000-06:00

My desk is covered with papers and I'm sitting here thinking about how many trees no longer are growing because of all the paper on my desk. How many different trees are represented on my desk? Four, 94? Then there's the other desk I have. I have so much to do at this company that I have two desks. I'm trying to teach myself to be grateful. So I am trying to be grateful for my job with two desks.